I'm Only Drunk Because I'm Broke.

To preface, I am slightly intoxicated at the moment, and honestly, I will probably be prefacing every future post with that. Don't judge.


Have you ever had one of those experiences where you must sit down and have a chat with yourself, and you say, "Listen, me. This shit isn't good. It's pretty abnormal. Have you ever considered you might have, like, something wrong with you? Like a condition, or something?"

Well of course there is nothing wrong, you reply.

And then you start thinking about yourself, and the self you want to be, but you stop paying attention to your present self, and become obsessed with your Future Self. You don't fill the wine glass, you watch your Future Self filling the wine glass. It's much more enjoyable this way. You would much rather be watching your Future Self than looking through the lenses of your present self. You start engaging in this exercise more and more frequently.You realize you start looking different in the mirror. Your apartment seems modern and stimulating. You stop seeing your sink loaded with every single dirty dish and plate and glass that you own. Those mountains of cigarette butts aren't really in the ashtray, but for some reason you now deviate to ashing in empty beer bottles.

Work begins to feel important, even though it's reprehensible. And you live in that delusion until a Christmas-fueled co-worker goes on a jolly rampage against you. You cry when you get home. You look red-eyed and pathetic in the mirror. Your eyes are wet and red and your skin looks horrible. You go to the living room and you see not only the heaps of clothes, but the gobs of cat hair clinging to them that you are now finding your eyes able to focus on. You open the cupboard. Oh, no food. Maybe I should repaint these shelves now that they're bare. Refrigerator. Beer, wine, butter, wine, another bottle of wine, a jar of pickles, approximately 30 mix-matched packets of sauces from Chinese take-outs, and a rogue beer can in the crisper. You close the door, and are presented with the sink. Sisyphus would have cringed at the sight of this mountain. You sigh. Walk to the futon and sit down. You click around on the computer. You smoke a cigarette. You click around a little more. You put out your cigarette. You turn off the monitor. You lay on your back and light another cig. Smoke a little pot. Then you close your eyes, and find yourself smiling again. You daydream about the future you. She looks very confident and approachable. About 5 inches taller than you now. She's dressed up professionally, and you just *know* she is a woman of great accomplishment. Her dishes are stacked in the cupboard. Her cats' litter-box is clean. Her kitchen is a striking white and she is drinking tea and reading a newspaper. She's nice to look at. You like her hair. You want to have coffee with her. You want to watch her interact with the world. You want to be a permanent fixture from this omniscient but unknowing point of view. You don't ever want to go back.

Well what's the verdict. Condition? Or totally healthy and normal? Isn't there some type of vitamin for this sort of thing?

There has been a violent decrease in graphs that chart violent decreases

Upholding my unspoken obligation to keep this blogger-blog moderately up-to-date.

No, that's a lie. I don't really care about upholding anything.
Mostly I'm just a little buzzed and want to write something so I can feel moderately cool until I sober up.

Have you ever entered a distinct set of mind and feel the need to make some tangible expression of it? Like a disturbed beacon flashing. I find myself throwing up little flags like that all the time. In a "wow, this was hilariously paranoid" type of way.
I asked myself, why DO I habitually throw up these reminders of my substance-induced alter-egos?

...I think it's to make sure I stay insane!


I thought about this today: I have been a(n):
1) Mistress
2) Experiment
3) Monogamous Lover
4) Poly-amorous Partner
5) Rebound
6) Heartbreaker
7) "EX" (note the quotes)



Stop saying "correlation". I AM AWARE ALREADY.